F*** Yo Thoughts!

Many of you have shared with me your thoughts and feelings of being used, abused, manipulated, bamboozled, hoodwinked, abandoned, blindsided, run amuck, and lead astray. You feel that you’re healing and you want to be positive in the face of the pain. Nevertheless, because you are not as healed as you think a grown man/woman should be at your age, you suffer from guilt associated with a perceived sense of delayed emotional development. So you become The Amazing Empathizer in an effort to fake it ’til you make it. You feel obligated to protect the next person from the pain you’ve experienced, carrying the thoughts and feelings of others as treasured validations. You take on the burdens of other’s pain and before long, become their soft place to fall. And they drain you spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You withdraw in an effort to self care, only to be met with anger because you weren't available! You wonder why people consistently take your kindness for granted only to disappear when you're in need. You lament feeling depleted, exhausted, depressed, frustrated. Then, the guilt is rekindled because you expected reciprocity from people who you knew couldn’t give it. So now what do you do? You do what all the good people do: ask your friends on Facebook to pray for you. And they do! And when one of the very ones who caused you the most heartache types a 150 word comment to the Father for your comfort and strength in Jesus’s Holy Name, you just want to grab a gun and shoot the computer screen and anybody who tries to stop you!

“Blue! You just read my life and you need to stop because I think you might be stalking me. It’s creeping me out and I don’t appreciate that!” First of all, I haven’t stalked anyone in years, but I can tell you that what you’ve experienced is a benchmark of the human condition. In an effort to “overcome” my own turmoil, I tried to cross over feelings of sadness, isolation, and terror so that I could get on with it and start functioning as a competent fucking adult! I wanted to be the loving person I always needed, but was down on myself because I couldn't get there fast enough.  

Mauna Kea from the road. There are clouds. That makes this picture relevant.

Through studying and therapy, I've learned of some of the major mistakes I was making. When I stopped making those mistakes, moments got easier. Moments lead to minutes, hours, days, and one time, I had 1 whole good week! So the question comes back, “Well, what do I do now?” I don’t know what you do, but you can certainly not do a few things:

1. Care about what other people think and feel. I was having a conversation with one of my Fairy Godmothers recently about the thoughts of people I care about and why they stopped mattering to me (usually. I admittedly get caught up sometimes, but it’s always by accident). Initially, my Fairy Godmother was confused at my lack of reverence. But I explained to her that the people themselves matter very much. Their wellness, matters. Their lives matter. Who they are at their core matters. Whether or not they are living in their truth matters. But their thoughts? Nah. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh describes thoughts and feelings as being like clouds in the sky. They come and go, but they are not the sky. Your loved ones are like the sky. Their clouds are but beautiful fluffy formations that sometimes bring rain and shade, but are always changing and moving with the wind. You would probably find it silly to become attached to a cloud. So why, then, become attached to fleeting thoughts and feelings, especially other people’s fleeting thoughts and feelings which are even more unpredictable than your own? Your loved ones are not their thoughts and feelings and neither are you, which brings me to the 2nd thing you can not do.

2. Take your own thoughts and feelings seriously. This is huge! Once we’ve managed the art of not caring about other people’s thoughts and feelings (which is, to me, the foundation of healthy emotional interconnectedness), we can take the next step towards the art of disentangling our own thoughts and feelings from the awareness that is us. Disentanglement prevents us from creating unreal personas and characters and then trying to live in the fabrications of our imagination fornication. It’s certainly good to have thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts and feelings are fodder for all kinds of creative expressions and designer sandwiches. But when we’re done playing, it’s time to come back to ourselves. We are not our thoughts and feelings, nor are we the personas we make up in our thoughts and feelings. We are the awareness that is having those thoughts and feelings. Through meditation, we’re able to build a greater awareness that helps us to clearly identify who we are from who we think we are. With practice, we learn to see even our own self-defeating thinking coming from a mile away and check it right in its tracks. So when you start thinking things like "I'm not good enough" or "I should be further along by now," recognize that these thoughts are just thoughts and have nothing to do with who you are or your value. Which brings me to the third thing you can not do.

3. Take yourself for granted. You've gotten this far, so give yourself some credit. People will take you how you take yourself. Nobody’s gonna take your kindness for weakness, take you for granted, or take you for dinner, a movie, or drinks unless you get in the car. The better we become at giving ourselves the appreciation and respect we deserve, the higher the standard will be raised on how we’ll allow others to treat us. So when you see somebody in a hoopty show up talking bout “Aye, yo. Wanna help me drop this package off at my cuzin house?” You can be like “Hell naw” because you appreciate yourself enough to know that anybody who needs you to go with them just to drop some shit off does not appreciate you the way you should be appreciated! But when those homies with the free tickets to Disney World show up, you can not do number 4.

4. Take others for granted. Despite how it may feel when you’re hurting the most, there’s always someone out there who feels you, loves you, wants you to succeed, and doesn’t want anything from you. Make a list of those people so that you can see their names in front of you. Be overwhelmed by the amount of love you’ve received throughout your life. Be grateful for all the people who have taken the time to show you selfless love. When you’re feeling good, call those people. Send them a nice note or email. Share a joke. Invite them for coffee or tea. And do these things with gratitude. This is how you build community, find your tribe, and begin to surround yourself with the people who celebrate, support, and lift you up. And the more effort you put into appreciating the people you’re grateful for, the less time you have for hos and hooligans in hoopties.

None of us get through this life thing unscathed. But we can be ok. In fact, we can be fantastic! Not some fantastic cartoon character that we made up to show others how fantastic we are, but actual fantastic from the core of our being that always was and always will be. Feelings can suck sometimes. Thoughts can be a burden. But even in the worst of it, you do not have to give a fuck. 

Love,
Blue

Hi. My name is Blue. I'm a social psychologist, singer/songwriter, actress, author, and permaculture farmer from East St. Louis, IL who moved to the Big Island of Hawaii to cultivate and share simplicity. I embrace all things magical, I believe all things wonderful, and I want my homies to be happy. Won't you be my homie? 
Subscribe to this blog for mind massages that inspire the spirit. Special thanks to my family and friends for your continuous lessons. 

Nickelodeon Aired the BET Awards. Progress.

“We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country and I think globally around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege and when people start talking about privilege they get paralyzed by shame.” 

-Brene Brown, Listening to Shame, TED Talk, 2012. 

"I don't think you're ready for this jelly." -Beyonce

Racism. It just burns to hear the word. It doesn’t matter who you are, you’re sick and tired of racism. I know I am! Black folks get mad. White folks get defensive. The ones in the middle of the two poles try to figure out how to balance their anger or guilt against their striving for a higher whatever-the-hell. Meanwhile, Asians be like “Oooh! Beyonce!” 

Selfishness devoid of self examination is the stuff that -isms are made of. To be self centered, yet deceptively attempt to portray oneself as perfect leads to blaming others when things go wrong. But it’s all pretense. We have shame because at our core, we know the truth. But when we are unwilling to suffer through the discomfort associated with being honest with ourselves and others about who we really are, we will sacrifice others to protect our deceptive image of perfection. 

I can appreciate the excitement around Jesse Williams’ BET Humanitarian Award speech as much as anyone else. During his speech, Williams concisely bullet pointed many issues of racial justice that have become relevant over the past 20 or so years: killings by police of unarmed black people, the use and misuse of black culture for mainstream entertainment, criticism of the movement by non-participants, and black people who make money and spend it to represent white enterprise. This certainly shows great sensitivity and awareness on his part. He executed the speech with command, energy, a warrior spirit, and crystal green eyes. Unlike the famed speeches of black Civil Rights leaders past, Williams also included women, both dedicating his speech to women and honoring his wife for changing his life. Jesse Williams’s honest-gotten emphasis on “comprehension over career” not only set a foundation that makes him an effective speaker, but also undergirds genuine tacit humanism.

"Hi. I'm Jesse." "Oh, and Elmo's Elmo." -Jesse Williams and Elmo

Now, let’s be honest. Besides the fact that the BET Awards were broadcast on MTV, VH1, SpikeTV, Comedy Central, and Nickelodeon, nothing really groundbreaking happened that night. Williams’ speech, though eloquent, functioned as a call for solidarity to people who are already on board with the message. It was a rally cry for the home team. When Williams declared, “If you have a critique for the resistance, for our resistance, then you better have an established record of critique of our oppression,” no one on the other side said to themselves, “You know what? I should keep my bystander opinions to myself!” This is no discredit to Williams. But I think that our years of existing as humans have taught us that if we really want other people to change, telling them what they should and shouldn’t do won’t work in the real world. Jesse Williams can get away with it because he's friends with Elmo.

The discussion of racism or any vitriolic prejudice is an internal discussion that people must have in their own hearts. Those who are marred by the shame that prevents them from examining themselves are suffering so greatly that an attempt to “call them out” will more likely result in more destructive behavior. Though that behavior may seem more and more ridiculous to those who have done the work, it is nonetheless dangerous. Still “not having done adequate self work” is not a crime. You can’t fire someone, arrest someone, try someone in court, or put someone in jail until they’ve actually committed a crime. Though there are written historical examples of governmental conspiracies designed to repress communities of color, the majority of racially incited crimes happen spontaneously. And it all comes down to the conditioned impulses of the human beings involved in those crucial moments that determine whether or not everyone makes it home that night. 

"You get a car! You get a car! Everybody gets a car!" -Oprah

Despite the headlines that may suggest otherwise, we are actually living in a time when more white people are able and willing to confront racism, first within their own selves, second within their own families, and then in more diverse environments. People overall are reaching for greater within themselves and the holding of racist beliefs simply does not vibe with the desire to live in the frequency of a higher self. Nonetheless, the white people who are standing on the edge of their racist cliff, calculating the plunge into the uncertain world of self and cultural examination, are very afraid. The fear is not of the “other” as many of us would suspect. The fear is that their ocean of self and generational deception is deeper and colder than they could have ever imagined. The internal tension between who they are and who they want to be can be debilitating enough to lead many whites to say, “meh, I’ll start all that soul searching crap tomorrow.” Some even stop the progression altogether, try to skip a few steps, become superficial humanitarians, then self sooth by establishing that they “love everyone,” which is also self deception…and we see you. Still, there are many who continue to go into those uncomfortable places where they will undoubtedly be challenged and will have to sacrifice their sense of goodness in order to attain spiritual growth. I admire those people. Self-sacrifice in the name of achieving empathy and connectedness with others is painful work.

At a human level, racism is no different from any other thing that keeps us from venturing into those uncomfortable spaces where we feel vulnerable, aren’t the most knowledgable in the room, and where people might be hurting because of us. We can all relate to the burning sensation associated with knowing that we were wrong. But the question is, can we walk through the fire, or will we punk out and try to find fault in others in order to protect our egos? 

I believe that all people are capable of walking with the courage that it takes to honor the humanity, dignity, and sensibility of those we have hurt. Even if the hurt was inadvertent, once we become aware of our participation in the hurt, it is our love nature that forces us to move in the direction of reconciliation. If we choose to run in the opposite direction, we are violating our nature, creating, yet again, a web of deception that sinks us into a denial that only moves us away from reality and away from our own healing.

"I believe in shaving before the workout." -Barack Obama*

That all sounds awful and scary and painful. But there’s good news. With the right tools, strategies, and swim gear, that deep, cold ocean of self deception won’t kill us. It’s easy to connect with people when we think about how we may have been hurt and what we really wanted from the one(s) who hurt us. First, we want them to acknowledge their contribution to our hurt. Just saying “I’m sorry” without acknowledging the specific hurt is patronizing and nobody’s buying it. For white people, acknowledging that you have it easier in America for no real reason is a step in the right direction. That acknowledgement alone will fill the space with air and people all around will start breathing better. Because it’s the truth. And there’s nothing more refreshing than ice water and the truth. Beyond this, simply being open to listening is the single most powerful gift a person can give another. When you don’t know what else to do, just listen. Sit silently while the other person talks. The better you become at listening, the better you will become at identifying what the other person needs in the moment. Repeat their needs back to them to show them that you heard them. Once you understand, commit to doing and being better. Because you're not perfect and you won't be. But practice makes you better. No one is asking you to relinquish your 401K in $1,000 allotments to every black person you meet (but if you’re considering doing that, I will take the money). But the hurt of systemic racism is real from the energetic level all the way to the bullet through a child’s body and black people did not do that to themselves. 

For those who are lost in deception and shame, Jesse Williams’ message is for you. And black people have every right to do whatever we must do to procure our freedom and sovereignty of self determination in this country until we are satisfied. By any means necessary. And while we’re doing that, black people, lets do the same level of self work so that we’re not inadvertently violating each other because of our sex, gender identity, age, religion, height, weight, hair texture, skin tone, ability, appearance, or sexual orientation. Because you can’t expect from others what you’re not also willing to do yourself. I learned that from Nickelodeon. 

To everyone who continues to do the work, I thank you. You are the change that is so desperately needed. 

Love,

Blue 

*I included disarming pictures and quotes from familiar black people (and Elmo) for the same reason that white people have privilege. 

Hi. My name is Blue. I'm a social psychologist, singer/songwriter, actress, author, and permaculture farmer from East St. Louis, IL who moved to the Big Island of Hawaii to cultivate and share simplicity. I embrace all things magical, I believe all things wonderful, and I want my homies to be happy. Won't you be my homie? 
Subscribe to this blog for mind massages that inspire the spirit. Special thanks to my family and friends for your continuous lessons.