“We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country and I think globally around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege and when people start talking about privilege they get paralyzed by shame.”
-Brene Brown, Listening to Shame, TED Talk, 2012.
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| "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." -Beyonce |
Racism. It just burns to hear the word. It doesn’t matter who you are, you’re sick and tired of racism. I know I am! Black folks get mad. White folks get defensive. The ones in the middle of the two poles try to figure out how to balance their anger or guilt against their striving for a higher whatever-the-hell. Meanwhile, Asians be like “Oooh! Beyonce!”
Selfishness devoid of self examination is the stuff that -isms are made of. To be self centered, yet deceptively attempt to portray oneself as perfect leads to blaming others when things go wrong. But it’s all pretense. We have shame because at our core, we know the truth. But when we are unwilling to suffer through the discomfort associated with being honest with ourselves and others about who we really are, we will sacrifice others to protect our deceptive image of perfection.
I can appreciate the excitement around Jesse Williams’ BET Humanitarian Award speech as much as anyone else. During his speech, Williams concisely bullet pointed many issues of racial justice that have become relevant over the past 20 or so years: killings by police of unarmed black people, the use and misuse of black culture for mainstream entertainment, criticism of the movement by non-participants, and black people who make money and spend it to represent white enterprise. This certainly shows great sensitivity and awareness on his part. He executed the speech with command, energy, a warrior spirit, and crystal green eyes. Unlike the famed speeches of black Civil Rights leaders past, Williams also included women, both dedicating his speech to women and honoring his wife for changing his life. Jesse Williams’s honest-gotten emphasis on “comprehension over career” not only set a foundation that makes him an effective speaker, but also undergirds genuine tacit humanism.
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| "Hi. I'm Jesse." "Oh, and Elmo's Elmo." -Jesse Williams and Elmo |
Now, let’s be honest. Besides the fact that the BET Awards were broadcast on MTV, VH1, SpikeTV, Comedy Central, and Nickelodeon, nothing really groundbreaking happened that night. Williams’ speech, though eloquent, functioned as a call for solidarity to people who are already on board with the message. It was a rally cry for the home team. When Williams declared, “If you have a critique for the resistance, for our resistance, then you better have an established record of critique of our oppression,” no one on the other side said to themselves, “You know what? I should keep my bystander opinions to myself!” This is no discredit to Williams. But I think that our years of existing as humans have taught us that if we really want other people to change, telling them what they should and shouldn’t do won’t work in the real world. Jesse Williams can get away with it because he's friends with Elmo.
The discussion of racism or any vitriolic prejudice is an internal discussion that people must have in their own hearts. Those who are marred by the shame that prevents them from examining themselves are suffering so greatly that an attempt to “call them out” will more likely result in more destructive behavior. Though that behavior may seem more and more ridiculous to those who have done the work, it is nonetheless dangerous. Still “not having done adequate self work” is not a crime. You can’t fire someone, arrest someone, try someone in court, or put someone in jail until they’ve actually committed a crime. Though there are written historical examples of governmental conspiracies designed to repress communities of color, the majority of racially incited crimes happen spontaneously. And it all comes down to the conditioned impulses of the human beings involved in those crucial moments that determine whether or not everyone makes it home that night.
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| "You get a car! You get a car! Everybody gets a car!" -Oprah |
Despite the headlines that may suggest otherwise, we are actually living in a time when more white people are able and willing to confront racism, first within their own selves, second within their own families, and then in more diverse environments. People overall are reaching for greater within themselves and the holding of racist beliefs simply does not vibe with the desire to live in the frequency of a higher self. Nonetheless, the white people who are standing on the edge of their racist cliff, calculating the plunge into the uncertain world of self and cultural examination, are very afraid. The fear is not of the “other” as many of us would suspect. The fear is that their ocean of self and generational deception is deeper and colder than they could have ever imagined. The internal tension between who they are and who they want to be can be debilitating enough to lead many whites to say, “meh, I’ll start all that soul searching crap tomorrow.” Some even stop the progression altogether, try to skip a few steps, become superficial humanitarians, then self sooth by establishing that they “love everyone,” which is also self deception…and we see you. Still, there are many who continue to go into those uncomfortable places where they will undoubtedly be challenged and will have to sacrifice their sense of goodness in order to attain spiritual growth. I admire those people. Self-sacrifice in the name of achieving empathy and connectedness with others is painful work.
At a human level, racism is no different from any other thing that keeps us from venturing into those uncomfortable spaces where we feel vulnerable, aren’t the most knowledgable in the room, and where people might be hurting because of us. We can all relate to the burning sensation associated with knowing that we were wrong. But the question is, can we walk through the fire, or will we punk out and try to find fault in others in order to protect our egos?
I believe that all people are capable of walking with the courage that it takes to honor the humanity, dignity, and sensibility of those we have hurt. Even if the hurt was inadvertent, once we become aware of our participation in the hurt, it is our love nature that forces us to move in the direction of reconciliation. If we choose to run in the opposite direction, we are violating our nature, creating, yet again, a web of deception that sinks us into a denial that only moves us away from reality and away from our own healing.
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| "I believe in shaving before the workout." -Barack Obama* |
That all sounds awful and scary and painful. But there’s good news. With the right tools, strategies, and swim gear, that deep, cold ocean of self deception won’t kill us. It’s easy to connect with people when we think about how we may have been hurt and what we really wanted from the one(s) who hurt us. First, we want them to acknowledge their contribution to our hurt. Just saying “I’m sorry” without acknowledging the specific hurt is patronizing and nobody’s buying it. For white people, acknowledging that you have it easier in America for no real reason is a step in the right direction. That acknowledgement alone will fill the space with air and people all around will start breathing better. Because it’s the truth. And there’s nothing more refreshing than ice water and the truth. Beyond this, simply being open to listening is the single most powerful gift a person can give another. When you don’t know what else to do, just listen. Sit silently while the other person talks. The better you become at listening, the better you will become at identifying what the other person needs in the moment. Repeat their needs back to them to show them that you heard them. Once you understand, commit to doing and being better. Because you're not perfect and you won't be. But practice makes you better. No one is asking you to relinquish your 401K in $1,000 allotments to every black person you meet (but if you’re considering doing that, I will take the money). But the hurt of systemic racism is real from the energetic level all the way to the bullet through a child’s body and black people did not do that to themselves.
For those who are lost in deception and shame, Jesse Williams’ message is for you. And black people have every right to do whatever we must do to procure our freedom and sovereignty of self determination in this country until we are satisfied. By any means necessary. And while we’re doing that, black people, lets do the same level of self work so that we’re not inadvertently violating each other because of our sex, gender identity, age, religion, height, weight, hair texture, skin tone, ability, appearance, or sexual orientation. Because you can’t expect from others what you’re not also willing to do yourself. I learned that from Nickelodeon.
To everyone who continues to do the work, I thank you. You are the change that is so desperately needed.
Love,
Blue
*I included disarming pictures and quotes from familiar black people (and Elmo) for the same reason that white people have privilege.
Hi. My name is Blue. I'm a social psychologist, singer/songwriter, actress, author, and permaculture farmer from East St. Louis, IL who moved to the Big Island of Hawaii to cultivate and share simplicity. I embrace all things magical, I believe all things wonderful, and I want my homies to be happy. Won't you be my homie?
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